"Madoff Settles With SEC..."

Of course I just entered into an Agreement with the SEC; I'm a forgive and forget kind of guy! The Agreement says that:

(i) I won't fight them on the asset freeze that's been in place. Why would I? Its not like I was dumb enough to put all of my eggs into one basket. What? Someone thinks that my '04 ski trip to Switzerland with close friends and family was just for the skiing?

(ii) I "agree not to perpetrate any more financial frauds". No problem! After all, who's got the time to do that when Madoff Mania Inc. is selling more toilet paper than Wal-Mart!

(iii). I will [at some point--probably around the time that hell freezes over] "agree to pay a fine and agree to be barred from the securities industry". That's fine too.

As far as paying the fine, the SEC has an installment plan, and their penalties are peanuts.

Being barred by the SEC? That's fine too. That means I'll be able to save on the annual holiday gifts that we've sent out to.....well, you know who you are...

And now, there's no need to keep Shana's husband on the payroll! A big money saver! (Ruth--add that to one of the chapters in Madoff's Guide On How To Survive On Only $15,000/mo!)

The truth is, and you can trust me on this, or you can ask Shana, Pete, Mark or even Andy; our market-making business went to the shitter as soon quotes went to the penny. That business didn't even make a profit for the past two years. Its not like Mark bought that house in Nantucket from the BMIS bonus pool!

Finally, our new MIDAS Fund isn't going to be regulated by the SEC! Its a private thing--no regulatory b.s. So, all in all, I thought it was a good move to move on.

Next- Everyone's asking my opinion about A-Rod and his using some kind of drugs a few years ago.

Asking me for a comment on that is as stupid as asking President Obama the same question during a news conference about the crisis in our economy! What idiot would ask me of all people that question?? I'm a f--king Mets fan!!! Ask Fred Wilpon, he'll swear to that!

But, here's my short answer: I say: Forgive and Forget. Just like Congress is doing right now when it comes to the $350 billion that Hank Paulson handed over to Citi, BofA, AIG, Goldman, Morgan, JPMorgan, and the rest of them. "We forgive you for forgetting what you did with the money, and we forgive ourselves for forgetting to attach any strings to the hand out..." Right Barney? You signed off on that one!

Speaking of forgetting to ask questions-- I read a smart piece by that kid Andy Ross Sorkin in today's NY Times. That's his photo up on the left. He should only be related to Ira, and I should have had an Andy as smart as this kid! Instead, I've got the one I've got.

Anway, this Andy kid has put together a great list of questions that Barney Fife (...I mean Barney Frank) and those other people are going to be asking tomorrow when all of those bankers show up in Washington.

Sure-Barney will think the hearing is some kind of a "roast", and the other Committee members will probably ask all of the wrong questions, so I'm thinking that each of them should shell out the $1 for a copy of the Times, and maybe one of them will want to sound smart when the TV cameras roll. Its a big bet, but I'm an optimist, just like President Obama.

Next- To my brother, Peter re: your suggestion that Mark, or maybe Andy would want to join a new class action law suit...the SYPIC Action ("Sue-Your-Parents-If- Crazy").

Cute name, Pete! Almost as good as my renaming TARP into FART, and better than my thinking that "TIPS", the SEC whistleblower thing..might as well be called TITS, because its only good for squeezing, not squealing. But, I'm guessing Mr. Irving Picard is going to have to be on the lookout for this one......

Yeah, I get it..kids are going to be suing their parents for being crazy enough to invest with me, and the ones that didn't take any money off the table makes them certifiably insane.
Proving that you can sue a ham sandwich, even while Barney Fife, (sorry, Frank) is busy munching on one.

Pete-its an interesting idea. But, I can't get a hold of Mark right now--he's on some f--king fishing trip in Mexico...and Andy...well, he's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but I'm forwarding it over to Mel Weiss's attention.

Yeah, I know that Mel won't be able to meet in person to discuss, but the good news is that he's got a lot of time on his hands, and he could probably use a good class action case.

Next:
To Walter
From: Bernie:
RE: Public Relations

I can only give you the same advice I gave to that kid Thain about hiring a PR firm. Its tricky business. The fact that you've hired Rubenstein's shop is just advertising that you're spending $50k a month on a PR firm. And, having one of their people go over to the NY Post and ask them, of all people to "lighten up"?? Oy. The NY Post??

Walter--the more I think about it, the more I'm thinking you should take my advice about "Mad Cow". Its working fine for me, look at the SEC settlement I struck!! And, maybe you can get Chuck Murphy to tell people that you got it from hanging around his horse farm..

Last: To Baby Ruth:
Good cover on the gold position. Obama (rightfully) scared the crap out of everyone last night--and covering the short was a good trade. I'm thinking we'll be selling another 150 cases of the Madoff Toilet Paper before the close of business today!